How often are you watching some dumb TV program and you see a scenario where someone goes to apologize to someone and says something like this: "I am sorry if what I said upset you?" Looking closely at what is said, we see that this is not an apology in any sense. Sure, there is sorrow on the part of the apologizer. There could be some degree of empathy. Yet, what is really being done is blaming the apologizee for being upset at what was said. The person apologizing is not actually apologizing. What they are saying is something like: "I said something that offended you. I don't take it back. I am sorry that you were upset by it. That is, you shouldn't have been, it is your problem."
A true apology is given when the person owns their perspective and yet expresses genuine remorse for their part in the event. So, for example, something like: "I am really sorry for the way I spoke yesterday. I had a point I think, but, I didn't say it well and ask you to forgive me for not caring for you enough to say it in a way that was fair and reasonable." A real apology comes when the person acknowledges their part in what is said, owns it, and asks forgiveness. A reverse apology might then come with something like: "I am sorry I over-reacted to you. It was a fair point." Then the situation can move from apology to mutual forgiveness and reconciliation.
Next time someone mistreats you and comes to you with a line like: "I am sorry if what I said upset you," don't accept it. It is not an apology. It is making you feel crap and being forced to accept the fullness of responsibility. Call them on it. Ask them something like: "so, do you own any of the responsibility for making me feel like crap?" See what comes back. Such fake apologies fit nicely with a culture of passive aggression whereby we use apparent contrition to further our ends.
A true apology is given when the person owns their perspective and yet expresses genuine remorse for their part in the event. So, for example, something like: "I am really sorry for the way I spoke yesterday. I had a point I think, but, I didn't say it well and ask you to forgive me for not caring for you enough to say it in a way that was fair and reasonable." A real apology comes when the person acknowledges their part in what is said, owns it, and asks forgiveness. A reverse apology might then come with something like: "I am sorry I over-reacted to you. It was a fair point." Then the situation can move from apology to mutual forgiveness and reconciliation.
Next time someone mistreats you and comes to you with a line like: "I am sorry if what I said upset you," don't accept it. It is not an apology. It is making you feel crap and being forced to accept the fullness of responsibility. Call them on it. Ask them something like: "so, do you own any of the responsibility for making me feel like crap?" See what comes back. Such fake apologies fit nicely with a culture of passive aggression whereby we use apparent contrition to further our ends.
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